Vulnerability And Authority Figures In The Work Place

Have you ever walked away from a seemingly warm and engaging conversation only to feel raw, anxious, and self-critical afterward? Maybe in the moment, you felt connected — even safe — and shared something deeply personal. But later, doubt crept in. You replay what you said. You wonder if you overshared. And a voice inside whispers: “Why did I say all that?”

You’re not alone. This experience is so common and yet so rarely discussed. It touches the core of what it means to be human: our deep desire to be seen, and the equally strong fear of being judged or misunderstood. Particularly in front of people we see in authority to us, whether we are at work or in a social situation.

In this piece, we’ll explore why this dynamic happens, how to know whether someone is truly safe to trust, and how to stay grounded in your own emotional integrity — even around people who make you question it.

During an open, heart-centered conversation, our nervous systems relax. We feel seen. The body releases oxytocin, the hormone that deepens feelings of trust and connection. This can create a temporary emotional “bubble,” where we feel warm, open, and present — and that’s a beautiful thing.

But when the moment ends and we’re no longer inside that bubble, a very different emotional state can rise: fear, self-doubt, even shame. We wonder if the other person was really listening or just collecting our vulnerability. This is known as a “vulnerability hangover” — a term coined by researcher Brené Brown. It’s that emotional crash after you've let your guard down and aren’t sure it was safe to do so.

It’s tricky, especially when people are warm and engaging in the moment. But here are some clear inner signals to help you tune into your intuition — and distinguish it from fear-based overthinking.

1. How Do You Feel After the Interaction?

- Do you feel grounded and clear? Or emotionally scattered, drained, or insecure?

- Replay the tone of the conversation. Did you feel emotionally met — or subtly overexposed?

- Your body remembers what your brain hasn’t quite named yet. Feelings of tension, tightness, or regret are often signals from your inner wisdom.

2. How Do They Handle Your Vulnerability?

Trustworthy people:

• Don’t interrupt or one-up your story

• Hold your words with kindness

• Don’t bring it up later as ammunition or gossip - they don't weaponise your trust

• Reciprocate vulnerability with sincerity, not silence or smugness

If someone reacts with awkwardness, sarcasm, superiority, or subtle distancing — that's valuable data.

3. Try a Gut Check

Close your eyes. Picture the person’s face. Ask yourself:

“Do I feel respected by them?”

Watch how your body responds. The body often knows the truth before your mind can form the language.

Some people have an energy that draws others in — calm, curious, emotionally intelligent. They may ask personal questions gently and mirror empathy well.

But here’s the important truth: Not all safe-seeming people are emotionally safe.

If someone consistently creates situations where you share more than you intended, but never share back — or leaves you feeling subtly embarrassed, exposed, or judged — they may be collecting vulnerability for a sense of control, not connection.

That’s not friendship or a safe space. That’s a 'performance' of intimacy.

This part is both heartbreaking and deeply human.

1. Familiar Wounds Feel Like “Home”

If you grew up in an environment where vulnerability wasn’t honored, or where people subtly made you feel ashamed, those dynamics can feel oddly familiar. We might confuse emotional danger for closeness, because we’ve never known what true safety looks like.

2. Inner Critic Loops

When you share something and someone responds in a way that makes you feel foolish — but you keep going back — part of you might be unconsciously re-enacting a wound. You’re trying to get it right this time, or gain approval from someone who won’t give it.

But you don’t need to prove yourself. You need to honour yourself.

3. Cognitive Dissonance

We tell ourselves: “They’re my friend — they must care. Maybe it’s just me.”

This is what the mind does when the emotional reality is too painful to name: it rationalizes the behavior so we don’t have to grieve the truth.

By naming the pattern we begin to heal.

This is a specific — and often painful — type of dynamic. Some people have an unspoken need to prove they’re the smartest, most capable, or most emotionally “together” in the room. Whether it's through backhanded compliments, dismissiveness, or a smug smile when you’re being vulnerable, it creates an invisible power struggle.

Here's how to protect your emotional space:

1. Name It (to Yourself)

Quietly think: “This person is trying to feel strong by making me feel small. That’s about them, not me.”

This helps you step out of the shame spiral and back into your center.

2. Don’t Shrink, Don’t Compete

Stay neutral. Respond calmly, not defensively. Let your groundedness be your strength.

Say less. Breathe more. Move slower. Simple, neutral replies like:

• “Interesting”

• “You really feel strongly about that”

• “Good for you”

…can defuse their energy without feeding the power play.

3. Visual Boundaries

Imagine a thick glass wall between you and them. Their energy, tone, or subtle jabs? They bounce off. They hit the glass wall and drop to the ground. You stay calm and unhooked.

4. Reaffirm Your Own Power — In Private

Write it. Say it. Remember it:

“My strength isn’t in performing. It’s in being real and true to myself.”

“Their power moves don’t define my worth.”

"I own what I say."

"I am powerful."

You don’t need to win the room to feel whole. Your groundedness is your win.

Let’s be clear: Many people have genuinely been victims of betrayal, emotional harm, or boundary violations. But staying in the identity of a victim — long after the moment has passed — keeps you in a loop of disempowerment.

Here’s how to begin shifting that pattern:

1. Radical Ownership

Say to yourself: “I didn’t create this dynamic, but I’m not powerless now. I can choose differently.”

Ownership is how we reclaim our agency — without blaming ourselves for the past.

2. Choice Points

Start small: How do you talk to yourself after a hard conversation? What tone do you use in your head?

Every time you choose self-compassion over shame, you're breaking the pattern.

Give the self-critic in your head a promotion - tell your self-critic 'you are now my best friend - only use language you would use with a best friend when speaking to me.'

3. Healthy Mirrors

Seek out relationships that reflect back your strength, not your weakness.

Healing happens in safe connection. Let yourself be witnessed by people who treat your openness as sacred — not as currency.

4. Author the Story, Don’t Just Relive It

Try journaling:

“Here’s what happened. Here’s what I’ve learned. Here’s who I’m becoming.”

Even pain can live alongside your power. You don’t have to erase your story — just reclaim the pen.

Let’s return to the beginning — that moment of connection, followed by regret.

You weren’t foolish. You were human.

Sometimes we open up and later realize the space wasn’t as safe as it felt. That doesn’t make you naïve. That makes you awake. You’re learning how to trust yourself, and how to honor your own sacredness.

Real connection doesn’t leave you feeling smaller. It leaves you feeling whole.

So go ahead — keep showing up with your heart. But let your inner wisdom be the gatekeeper. You don’t have to shut down to stay safe. You just have to listen more closely to the part of you that already knows:

“This space is safe for me.”
“This person is not.”
“I get to choose again.”

You’re not alone in this. And you’re doing beautifully.

Know, this is the kind of brave, reflective work that shifts not just your own experience, but the energy of everyone around you. You’re doing something powerful here. Well done.